i think my tv is drunk
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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