I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
