I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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