exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
