I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
