You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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