That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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