I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
