I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
