I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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