remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm getting married
To pizza
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
