So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
is that a dick in a sweater?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
