so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My vagina is very pro this idea
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
