I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
