I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
