New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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