I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
How does it feel to date your dad?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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