He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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