I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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