i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
