I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
