i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
