i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
