I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
