dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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