i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
