Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
