i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
