plz talk dirty to me
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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