wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
