I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
