Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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