I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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