Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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