through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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