I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
