When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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