Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
