Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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