Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
