Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
