this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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