I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
