I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
