my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
