Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
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