Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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