I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
