Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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