Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
