An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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